My parents tried to kill me. Here's why I choose to speak up about it.
Destroying a culture of silence
I am a survivor. Why am I exposing this today? Because Indian society has become sick. Families are built on lies and abuse. Parents are destroying their children physically, emotionally, sexually, spiritually. The worst part is they expect to be thanked for it. Abusers demand silence, and every adult in the extended family is comfortable with looking the other way.
People might be tempted to ask.. “am I being serious? Am I exaggerating?” No. I am not. I am not even exposing all the abuse. I cannot. I have issues with memory. The following is the truth I am aware of. I am also well aware that I have suppressed memories and long periods in my life where I have completely dissociated.
My first memory is one of neglect and abuse. It is me being invisible to my Mother, and my Father threatening to pour hot, cooking oil over my hand. Why? Because I asked them to show me how to draw a tree and they were too busy to be bothered by their child.
This was before the age of four. By eight my father had also threatened to scald me with cigarette lighters. When he used to assault me with leather belts, almost nightly, my Mother enabled it. She told me I should be grateful I wasn't being hit with the metal part of the belt.
I have grown up alone for 24 years. Today I wish someone had asked me “how are you doing”. But the notion that a child is a human being does not exist in Indian society.
My Dad is a raging alcoholic. His abuse extends beyond the bounds of our family. As a Brahmin man he has been jerked off by Indian society for millennia. This arrogance leads him to see service workers, rickshaw drivers even coworkers as less than him. We should thank corporate HR at every job he has worked at for not tolerating his abuse. He cannot work well with others. Most people hate him. This makes him resent his workplace. He took it out on me. He took it out on me by trying to kill me.
After being missing for most of my childhood he moved back home after being fired. He decided that he didn't have anyone to abuse to work, so he would resume his abuse at home. I stood up to him. He threw a brick phone at my head. He missed. As he realized how much of a loser he had been at work, he felt small. He had to tear his children down. Not satisfied with physical abuse, for the first time in 2018, he got drunk and homicidal. I had to lock myself in my room, while he banged my door, threatening to kill me. I lost track of time, and blacked out. I have a vague memory of stepping outside my room the next day with an obligation to pretend as if nothing had happened.
My Mom did nothing. His mother did nothing. My uncles lost their spine somewhere in the 20th century. I took charge. I stood up. It has taken me 6 years, but I think I am going to say something very difficult. Every child deserves love, support and safety at home. No human being deserves their parent threatening to kill them. I am choosing to speak up because I believe this culture of silence needs to be destroyed. Families built on lies, abuse and alcoholic rage need to be destroyed. And cowardice deserves to be called out.
I was never given a chance or a choice to speak out about this. My father was not alone in his physical abuse. My mother used to whip me with plastic hangers whenever her mood was off. Those things sting. The truth that I was all alone in the world hurt even more.
I have grown up without innocence or safety, acutely aware of how unwanted I was.
My mother’s favorite tactic was starvation. Food or affection? Take your pick. I was denied a meal for most school days. During summer if I did not work on my academics, like a race horse, I was denied food once again. To this day I have trouble relaxing or eating food. A simple human exercise like eating, rest and relaxation has been denied to me.
My mother isolated me from my friends and anyone I cared for. A common tactic for sadistic abusers. She ensured I was all alone, an appropriate prey for her abuse. Did she try to kill me? Well .. apart from the starvation? Yes.
She tried to break my will. My will to be an independent human being. And she was not alone in this. She was enabled by both of her brothers. I had the entire extended family sacrifice me to their fears, insecurities and anxieties. They made me believe I was supposed to be happy living with my parents, because of our material privilege. They gaslit me. I will never understand childhood poverty or food insecurity. My experience was to have my caretaker take food away from my plate to enforce discipline and academic success. I believe these are all criminal offenses, but I do not care much for the judgement of the law or society. I care to tell the truth. It is the only thing I have left.
Extended family systems in Indian households hold victims and survivors back. They deny anyone who wishes to speak the truth resources and support. They create and enforce an alternate version of reality, and trap children and women in abuse.
The arranged marriage and caste system means most Indians repress their own agency and hate themselves for it. They try and break their children and repress their agency in turn. My uncles are also cowards and alcoholics. It is unsurprising to me that these people also turn out to be fascists and Hindu nationalists. At a very fundamental level they lack love or honor in their heart.
As an adult, past the age of 18, I was made to move to America to pursue my “academic potential.” They emotionally and financially blackmailed me into handing over my Power of Attorney for the State of California to them. They were not content with destroying my childhood. I had not given up. There was still too much fight remaining. They had to destroy my legal personhood. Stamp out any sign of life or agency.
They wished I would just give up and die. My choices and my life was seen as an insult to their fantasy of the world. Every adult in my family desperately wants their children to believe that they are “sacrificing their lives for us”. It is a culture of abuse and self-inflicted martyrdom. It is a sick family and I am choosing to destroy it.
Why did I choose to speak up? Fuck them. Thats why.
Indian survivors are made to feel obligated to their abusers. To anyone who is listening, yes we all have a duty to our family and our culture and our society. But when these systems let us down we have a right to speak up. We should not shame ourselves into silence. Know this: your frustrations are valid. And you have the right to stand up for yourself any way you choose.